Gerald was a “sensible” man. You remember him, don’t you? He and Dolly got it together on a cruise and now live in a little love nest over Dolly’s café.
Dolly had gone to her sister Flo’s for a few days. Gerald decided not to go on the pretence of looking after the bakery, but in reality, there was only so much eye-rolling, whispers and behind-the-hand discussion of intimate matters a man could take.
After a hectic morning managing the bakery, he headed off to take Dolly’s beloved van for an MOT. It had been tastefully resprayed in baby pink with pastel pictures of colourfully frosted doughnuts – and one or two unicorns for good measure. Gerald wasn’t too keen on driving the van. He felt it undermined his street cred but a promise is a promise. He dug out his largest, most stylish sunglasses, the ones that made him look just like Brad Pitt, shoved the radio on full blast, rested his elbow on the open window ledge, and zoomed off at 20mph, sounding his horn with impunity in true Italian stallion fashion.
It was funny, he mused, that he never had to wait long at the garage, almost as soon as his tyres touched the forecourt, Dolly’s van was whisked away to the dark recesses of the workshop. Gerald sauntered around the garage stretching his legs. The van was small and cute, not conducive to comfort. It was then that he saw her. The world stopped turning. It was love at first sight. The salesman was only too pleased to provide a test drive. “It’s so in keeping with Sir’s image. Looks like it was made especially for you!”
Once a photocopy of Gerald’s driving licence was taken, he “accelerated” off at a snail’s pace (as we already know, Gerald is of the slow and steady school), however, he still felt a frisson of excitement with the salesman’s final warning, “Be careful, the orange model is like a red rag to a bull, every idiot within miles will want to take you on, but you can outrun everything- and don’t forget the turbo-boost button!”
After careful consideration, Gerald decided to drive through the High Street in the hope of being seen by as many customers as possible. He would then make a short stop outside the cafe where he could ask Sue, the assistant, to take a photo with the cafe in the background for Dolly – who would be so impressed.
Everything was just perfect in Gerald’s world. He was very impressed with himself when he managed to find the button for the sunroof and open it without crashing into anything.
The High Street was very busy. As he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, he became aware of a big commotion and lots of shouting. Suddenly a masked figure ran out of the bank leaped over the bonnet and into the passenger seat, pointed a gun at Gerald, flicked the boost switch and said “Go,go,go!”
So Gerald went, faster than he had ever done anything in his whole life! The High Street disappeared in a flash, the gun-toting, would-be bank robber urging Gerald to more and more recklessness as they raced through country lanes. As sweat ran down Gerald’s brow and down the back of his neck, settling between his shoulder blades soaking his shirt, he made a pact with God, making promises he would never be able to fulfil even if he were St Francis of Assisi!
Gerald became aware of the helicopter hovering overhead and the blue flash of police cars that appeared and disappeared in the winding roads behind him.
With no warning at all the car juddered to a halt – it was out of charge!
The gun woman jumped out and pointed the gun at Gerald, screaming at him to get out now. But Gerald couldn’t get out now or ever, there wasn’t enough charge for the door to open. She screamed, “Roof.” Gerald tried his best, but to get his sweaty, slippery body anywhere near the sunroof opening was impossible, even when he modelled himself on the performers of the Cirque du Soleil, which Dolly had treated them to on their last anniversary. The gun person decided discretion was the better part of valour and made a run for it!
The firemen were very kind to Gerald and only gave way to laughter in the privacy of the fire station. Gerald, limp and exhausted, declined a lift back to the garage on the tow truck, agreed to be interviewed by the police tomorrow and promised to pick up Dolly’s van at a later date. If he ever drove again.
Later, when he recounted the episode to Dolly, he became 007, racing through the streets in his shades, roof open, grappling with a masked murderer, sacrificing himself for the greater good. Dolly was hugely impressed with her hero, especially after the trial when his picture appeared in the press. She suggested that as a reward for his bravery, and as the café was doing so well, they could afford to buy the orange car for Gerald. A superhero needed a supercar. Gerald thanked Dolly for her kind offer but thought it would be best if they kept the money in reserve for emergencies – you never know what might happen next!
