This month’s Lowe Down comes to you from Sanxia District, New Taipei City.

Some might argue that moving to Asia is a slightly extreme response to the UK unemployment crisis. You’d be right. But this Wymondhammer needed something to fill his days when he wasn’t writing Lowe Downs and producing this magazine for you all. I was fortunate enough to land a job in Taiwan, a country where I could practise Mandarin – so off I went.

Never fear – if you are subscribed to the magazine, these Lowe Downs are not being dropped. They will still be in your inbox every month, whether you want them or not. And to excite you for what’s to come, this article is answering the question that I’m sure you were all itching to have answered: how does New Taipei City compare to Wymondham?

(I’m really going for the universal questions this month.)

First criterium – geographical clarity.

Wymondham is a straightforward town with a straightforward surface area. You know where you are at all times. At the risk of stating the bleeding obvious, it has a clear border on a map that delineates it from other towns with different names.

This may sound self-evident, but New Taipei City is not quite the same. It is not to be confused with Taipei (Taiwan’s capital). New Taipei is a circular city that goes around the border of Taipei, which makes it probably the most useless geographical marker imaginable. You could have two people both in New Taipei, but if they’re on opposite sides, they’ve got a whole other city between them and are further apart than two people in Wymondham and London.

So for geographical logic, Wymondham takes the first point. (1-0)

Now let’s get into the really competitive things. Eating and drinking!

In both Wymondham and New Taipei City, you can find places to eat very easily. Wymondham has a wonderful array of pubs (the Green Dragon and King’s Head…chef’s kiss). It also has the fabulous Big Fry and Chips Away. And let’s not forget that our local Domino’s has a delivery option (which has saved me multiple times when I’ve got back from the train station late).

However, in New Taipei City – and in Taiwan generally, in fact – the food is basically on your doorstep. You walk all of two minutes before finding a 7/11, Family Mart, or PXMart. And they sell microwaveable lunchbox deliciousness with vegetables on the side, and they’re not even high in sugar content. You can get curried chicken, sweet and sour, braised pork with rice, and all kinds of other deliciousness with a side of broccoli, grapes, and a couple of naughty Kinder bars – all in a few minutes, and pretty cheaply.

And that’s only if you’re copping out and going for the convenience-store option. If you want to be more adventurous, there are night markets here with Taiwan sausage (divine), pork dumplings (even more divine), and fried quail eggs (gross – wash them down with the first two). Fried rice and breaded chicken are also very easy to come by.

To be clear – Wymondham and New Taipei score equally on quality. Sometimes, you’re in the mood for fish and chips. Other times, you want fried rice. But for sheer on-your-doorstep levels of convenience, New Taipei has to take the point. (1-1)

When it comes to drinking, again both are pretty good, but I’m giving Wymondham the point because you can get English Breakfast tea there. Taiwan’s tea is iconic, but the lack of English Breakfast is a serious downer (2-1).

Now let’s move on to probably the most important thing: stuff to do. What is there on offer? How easy is it to meet people and have a good time?

New Taipei – it’s got to be said – is an amazing place. It’s a bustling city with shops and markets on every corner. There are lots of people, and more young people, so friends and dates are easier to come by. My district in the south is surrounded by huge mountains and rivers and iconic hiking spots. It also has an old street (????) full of religious temples, including a brilliant one where you can get your fortune told by a Chinese god. You have to pay him money by throwing it into a furnace (got to respect a deity who needs paying before he coughs up), but then you get a bit of pink paper telling your fortune.

Now, I’m not religious or spiritual at all, but that slip of paper with its endless Barnum statements did say something disturbingly accurate about my love life. You don’t get that in Wymondham.

But then you consider what Wymondham does have to offer.

That glorious bandstand. The historic building. The school that brought us all up. The stunning sense of community – from Greening Wymondham to all our wonderful music groups. There’s a reason why the ‘Community’ section of this magazine is nearly always the largest.

That’s something it has in common with New Taipei – the willingness of people to help each other out. Ever since I’ve arrived in this new country with no friends or loved ones, I’ve been struck by the willingness of total strangers to lend a hand to this random foreigner, sometimes even trawling around shops with me to help me buy something for a flat.

In that sense, Wymondham and New Taipei are barely different. They have different food and architecture, but – and forgive this nauseatingly cheesy outro – both of them have great people. Unpleasant ones too, obviously, but great ones if you know where to look. That matters most regardless of which might have won the tally.